*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead