The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”