“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S