I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
This is me 🤣🤣
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
How it started How it’s going
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*