I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
is this a warning or an offer?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire