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Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop