a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
You Might Also Like
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.