The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
6. me as a lawyer
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.