Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
You’ll be OK
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
*has no idea what a book even is*
Oh thanks BBC.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?