Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
just make the entire table out of coaster
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
🤣😂🤣
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.