[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep