Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Ion see the issue
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
me opening up to someone
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on