The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to