reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.