all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
You Might Also Like
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.