Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You Might Also Like
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH