[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.