*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.