Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
The hardest thing Vision has to do
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.