GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Just parrot things
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*