Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.