33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me: