[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
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I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt