[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced