Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.