If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
time for some seasonal decor
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.