Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Great game to play with friends
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph