Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator