Sounds like a bargain
You Might Also Like
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick