Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*seductively eats two tums*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha