my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
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Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Trumpy Cat
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…