The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Is your wife single?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Jesus Christ lmao
Lmfao