Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up