#inspiration #foodforthought
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titanic
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating