Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
nobody’s gonna understand
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it