“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Me in tagged photos
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.