TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?