Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
me before I type out affect or effect
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead