I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Dune (2021)
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me My dog
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*