GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,