everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
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My hips? Compulsive liars.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’