“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.