Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
You Might Also Like
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Always 🥴
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room