A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
all that yoga finally paid off
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.