Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
A choir of Spring onions
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher