People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
This story is comedy gold 😂
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Guys, I found it.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee