Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You Might Also Like
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
#damn
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work