Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
You Might Also Like
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.