My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
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I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things