Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
groan^2
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.